Expectations

I just got home from the Hearts at Home conference last night. This is the third year I have come home from the conference. I always have a great time, learning how to be a better wife, mother and Christian. I am super excited to come home to my husband and 3 kids and start implementing the new things I have learned. I want to spend more time with the kids and enjoy them where they are at and I find myself constantly daydreaming about my husband. On the way home from the conference I talk to the other women about what we learned while we were away and what we are excited to share when we get home.

This year I arrived home at dinner time and I knew I wouldn't have the chance to really talk to my husband until after the kids were in bed. I was excited about this, thinking that I would come home and all the kids would run out to greet me, and my husband would help me carry my bags in and we would go through the run down of what they did over the weekend. I envisioned at least one hug and maybe a kiss from my husband and then later a candlelit bedroom followed by some great sex. This is what I daydream about on the way home.

When I pull into the driveway I get a few butterflies in my stomach. I am excited to be here. I pull into the garage slowly, taking my time to get my purse and a few other scattered items in the front seat of the van, giving them time to realize I am home and make their way out to greet me. This is where the disappointment begins. Chloe makes her way to the garage yelling "mommy! mommy!" I hug her and wait for the others to arrive, but they don't come. "How did you know I was home?", I ask Chloe. She tells me that daddy told her. Hmm. That is interesting. I get all my stuff from the back of the van and carry them into the house. I hang up my coat and my keys, take off my shoes and still, Chloe is the only one there to greet me. I go into the kitchen to find Collin still eating his dinner at the table as he says "Did you buy Claire a present while you were gone?" I am confused by the question but realize that they must have thought I would buy Claire a birthday gift while I was gone. "No, No, I didn't get her anything." He goes back to eating. In the meantime Joel is cleaning something up in the kitchen. He glances over and says a casual "hi" and goes back to cleaning up. I unload my stuff and unsuccessfully look around for something to eat.

I am suddenly feeling very greasy and unattractive from the long drive home. Claire is not here, Joel is supposed to pick her up from the school in 15 minutes. Joel tells me he wants me to hear a new song. I sit down to listen to it and can't concentrate. The whole time I am thinking that I just want to leave and come home expecting nothing from them. Then I wouldn't feel so let down. Didn't they miss me at all? Then I start noticing the new boxes on the counter labeled "Homework papers" and School Papers" I am instantly offended. What is wrong with the box I use for school papers? Why would we need a box for homework? They do it and take it back to school. Apparently my system doesn't work and they were waiting for me to leave so they could change it. I notice a few other things missing from my kitchen and decide to take a shower and pray about my slowly budding anger. I come out of the shower only to find that there are no clean towels. I left a basket of clean towels in the middle of the floor ready to be folded and put away right before I left. I use a dirty towel. I come downstairs and find the towel basket in the corner of the room still unfolded. I am so glad I tried to finish all the laundry before I left. I suddenly feel the urge to fold the laundry and actually put it away. As I am doing that Joel comes in and says something to me and asks me if I am in a bad mood or something. Me? Of course not. I simply say no. I close my eyes and pray that I can let this go and try to have an enjoyable evening together. I find some food and come to the family room and Joel is watching tv. Really? TV? Now? He is watching a show I care absolutely nothing about. I decide to check my email. He comes in a few times to see what I am doing. He is probably annnoyed that I am on the computer.

I decide to try to make the most of it and get over what I am feeling. Maybe we can still make it to the great sex. We get the kids in bed and I suggest watching a show together. Joel makes popcorn and we sit on the couch together. Collin won't go to bed. At this point, I just want him to get some sleep. I tell him he can sleep on our floor, thinking we could move him when we come up. Well, we didn't move him and we didn't have any kind of sex at all. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow night. Monday morning. Getting the kids off to school I get their backpacks ready. I go through the new boxes of homework and school papers and ask why Joel wants to keep all the worksheets that I normally throw away as soon as the kids come home from school. I am getting annoyed again. My system doesn't work for him, for some reason. I try to let it go and make the kid's lunches. As I am loading up their book bags, I notice that a lot of my magazines are missing from the table in the hallway. I can feel my heart beating faster. I don't think I can let this go. The kids are all ready for school and Joel comes downstairs. I casually ask him what happened to my magazines. He says he got rid of a bunch of them. That was it, the last straw. I don't want to yell at Joel in front of the kids, but I do, and I cry.

Why does he always feel the need to change everything when I am gone and throw MY stuff away? I made an extra effort the leave a clean house, no dirty dishes and no dirty clothes. This must not have been good enough, because he couldn't wait to go through my magazines and throw them away. How is it he couldn't fold the basket of towels and put them away, but he could go through my magazines and buy and label containers for the kids school papers? I feel like a failure and wish I hadn't come home at all. Joel dumped out the papers from his containers and took them away and brought my magazines back into the house from the trash.

I am just sitting here thinking about what to do next. Do I apologize? For what? He will never apologize. My stubborn heart doesn't want to apologize or forgive him if he won't admit he did anything wrong. But I do want to have a healthy marriage and I do want to have great sex tonight! I realize that this is what happens every time I come home from the conference. Why? I am going to take time to pray today and ask God to heal my stubborn heart that is hurt from unmet expectations and unexpected changes. I love my family and that is why I went to the conference. I wonder if this happens to anyone else when they come home.

Monday, March 14, 2011

7:48 AM

My apologies

Well, it sees that since a little before Christmas I have been shirking my responsibilities as a blogger. My apologies to all of my readers! With taking the kids to preschool 3 days a week and running MOPS, I just don't have as much time to come up with blog posts! I will try to do better!

House for Sale by Owner!

We have also been getting our house ready to sell. We found out around Christmas that we will be moving in April. The farm had the opportunity to buy a farm that already rent, but it came with a house. They wouldn't negotiate that. So, I told Joel we should take a look at it. It is about 5 miles closer to town and I thought it would be great for the kids to live on a farm- since Joel is a farmer. Hmmm. So anyway- we loved the house. It is bigger than ours and we will be saving money. The downside, an older house needs more upkeep. I am up to it. I am also going to try raising some chickens. The property has several barns and a chicken coop. An exciting venture for me. Now I just have to talk Joel into getting a horse! :) We are all excited about the upcoming move!

Our new house!

How time flies

A few weeks ago we were able to go the Columbus Zoo for the Zoolights opening. It was a very cold night and the snow was blowing hard. Once we made it into the zoo, I had to buy a hat. I was suprised at how much it really helped to keep me warm. All these years I thought my hair would keep me warm. The snow stopped blowing as hard and we had an enjoyable time. They had a light show set to music around the lake every 30 mintues. They also had free cookies and hot chocolate for the members. Claire didn't get to have any- but she handled it pretty well. We hope to make it out again before the season is over. Maybe we will try ice-skating!

Notice the kids scarves- I made them. I am so proud. I discovered a way to make them without crocheting or knitting! I simply tied knots. Thanks Martha Stewart!!

October Fun

Last Thursday we headed down to Delaware with our playgroup to a pumpkin patch. The kids had a nice time. They were able to pet and feed the goats and shop for some fantastic pumpkins. Chloe filled up a wagon with about 15 mini pumpkins. We only kept 3 and put the rest back. I ended up getting some mums and several different types of pumpkins to decorate our house. Collin, of course, loves the white pumpkins.

Saturday was the last day for Soccer. I am so glad! We still have 2 awards ceremonies this week, but I am glad to have the busyness over. Collin did well this year. He attended his practices and games and seemed to enjoy them. He didn't talk to anyone and actually a girl at the playground was trying to talk to him yesterday and he just stared at her. I felt bad for him and for her!

Claire has improved her game a lot this year. She played on a bigger field and a larger team. At her last game I noticed she was running very fast. She got in there and kicked the ball a few times. Her team consisted of 1st-3rd graders, so she was one of the smaller ones on the team. She has spent all weekend running very fast. She says it is because she has been eating mango for breakfast. Hmmm... I wish it worked for me!

This was the best year for soccer so far! We really liked both of our coaches. Collin really got the best coach for him. God must have had something to do with that. :) Claire's coach was a woman and she was great too. She really seemed to know a lot about soccer. We'll see if we do this again next year. It is hard to have practices on 2 different nights. Chloe will probably want to play next year too. I am getting tired just thinking about it!

Hiking Day

Yesterday we went hiking at a Nature Preserve near our house. It was pretty nice. There is a trail that is a little over a mile long. We came along this tree that had apparently been knocked down by the wind storm last week. Joel couldn't believe how big the root system was. The kids called it a wall.

Collin had so much fun. He was the leader of our hike. He would often run off ahead of the rest of us. Chloe and I hung toward the back because she kept saying she was scared. I don't know why- she kept saying the woods were scary and every time we heard a woodpecker or something, she would cling to me. Silliness.

I was able to get a lot of cute shots of Chloe though since we were at the back of the pack. Collin also filled his pockets with acorns. It doesn't take much to make him happy. (at least while we were there) I don't think it was what the kids expected when I said we were going to take them to a park. There wasn't a playground- just nature. They enjoyed themselves. It is fun to be able to go on outings and not worry about a stroller anymore! Next stop- DisneyWorld~ I wish! :)

Getting Ready For MOPS

I have spent the last few weeks gearing up for the upcoming MOPS year. Our group hosted a table at Saturday in the Park, a family festival at a local park, we walked in the Marion Popcorn Parade, and tomorrow we will be holding a Drive Thru registration for new moms. Saturday we will be having a training for our discussion group leaders. I will be glad to just get into a normal routine. We officially start next Friday, the 19th.

It was very hot at Saturday in the Park, but we made a few contacts. We decorated our strollers and wagons and walked in the parade. I don't know what happened, but we were inbetween to trucks full of high schoolers. I seriously was walking as fast as I could and couldn't keep up. Eventually someone on a golf cart came and told us to step aside. How embarassing. Anyway- we finished the parade walking as fast as we could. I have gotten a few calls from people who saw us in the parade, but next year- we will be riding in a float. No more of this walking stuff. What were we thinking!!

Collin will be starting pre-school at the YMCA on Monday. We will be going over tomorrow to take a tour and maybe swim so he can feel comfortable there. Sunday we will go to meet his teacher one on one and we will arrive early on Monday morning so he is the first one there. I think it will all go well. He is excited for it. I will keep you updated on his progress. My hope is that he makes some friends that he will just be himself with.

Back to School

Claire started school last Thursday. I can't believe it. She seems to like her teacher and is making some new friends in her class this year. From what I can tell, she still plays with a lot of the same girls from last year at recess. She is growing up so fast. Unfortunately the hot weather last week hasn't helped Claire's asthma. She has needed breathing treatments everyday and we are trying to stay on top of it so she doesn't miss as much school as last year. Thank the Lord this week the weather will be cooler.

Claire and Collin both had their first soccer games on Saturday. Joel and I both like their coaches this year. Claire is on a team with all girls, which is good, but they are from 1st-3rd grade. So, some of the girls are a lot better than the others. They are learning the positions now and playing on a bigger field.

Collin's team is called the Cowboys although there are more girls than boys on his team. He hasn't complained and has seemed to enjoy going to practice and his first game. He really likes the stars they hand out and the bible verse card at practice. I think it makes him feel special.